Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
