you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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