and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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