What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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