Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
