It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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