Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
