I've blown a few things in my day
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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