we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
