I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
