she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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