but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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