i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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