Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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