Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
