haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
