it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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