is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
