This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
