I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
