Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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