he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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