He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
