I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
