So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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