just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
