we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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