why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
