ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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