My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
