I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The uberlube is also flammable
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
