Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I puked a lego.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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