i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
