So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
