i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
