No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
