Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
