I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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