I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
