Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize