Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
