Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
