Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Randomize
