I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
