i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
