two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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