oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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