If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
