I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
