It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
