We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize