she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
420 ftw
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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