Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
