Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
