Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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