so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize